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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061625">the stars up above in your eyes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/joely_jo/pseuds/joely_jo'>joely_jo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Moondance [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: The Next Generation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Imzadi (Star Trek), Janaran Falls, Love, Marriage, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Movie: Star Trek Nemesis (2002), Moving On, Post-Movie: Star Trek Nemesis (2002), Recovery, Triggers, USS Titan, Violation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:27:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,223</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061625</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/joely_jo/pseuds/joely_jo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The third story in my Janaran Falls series, this tale is set in the aftermath of Star Trek: Nemesis and follows Deanna and Will as they come to terms with what Shinzon did.</p><p>COMPLETE</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>William Riker/Deanna Troi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Moondance [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858213</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was a tough one to write, because I have a lot of issues with this storyline within the movie, but it needed to be written to be exorcised from my mind. </p><p>This story follows my previous efforts in the Moondance series. It is not absolutely necessary to have read those beforehand, but it might explain one or two of the things that happen in this story. Also, you might like to! ;) </p><p>WARNING - Contains references to mental rape that could present as a trigger for some people.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the stars up above in your eyes</p><p>chapter one</p><p> </p><p>2380</p><p> </p><p>It had been the hardest year.</p><p>Such a judgement was not usually made of one’s first year of marriage, but like so much in their lives, their first year of marriage had not been particularly ordinary. For many, the horror of the Enterprise’s encounter with Shinzon of Remus had concluded when the Scimitar had exploded, taking every one of its complement, and Data, with it. But for Will and Deanna, that horror had continued. On the long, slow crawl back to Earth for the major repairs the Enterprise needed, it lost its element of mortal fear and instead mutated into something far more insidious.</p><p>While Will used the mountains of preparatory work for taking command of his own ship to divert his mind, Deanna found herself unable to do the same. Nothing seemed able to hold her attention like it should and she flitted from task to task without completing anything to her satisfaction. Her nights were punctuated by nightmares so vivid she would wake sweating and screaming, still feeling the heat of <em>his</em> breath on her skin. At first, it was easy to dismiss them as a natural and expected consequence of her violation, but the trouble really began when slowly, those nightmares began to permeate through to her waking hours. One day, several months after the Scimitar had vanished in a plume of green fire and just a few days before the Titan was scheduled to depart space dock, Will kissed her goodbye before he left for a meeting with his new security chief. As his mouth touched hers with its usual tenderness, she could have sworn that she felt the sensation of a scar on his lip; once he’d gone, she had to dive away to the bathroom to spew fear-soaked vomit down the toilet. Soon, such flashbacks became commonplace, even anticipated. Sometimes, even the smell of his skin was wrong.</p><p>Will was understanding, of course. He tried to address it, because that was his way – a problem-solver at heart, he sought answers and fixes to everything. In his brain, there was nothing that couldn’t be made better, it simply required knowledge of the problem and a solution. For Deanna, though, it was more complicated. Shinzon’s attack hadn’t been violent or physical, it hadn’t left scars or bruises on her body, instead it had been subtle as a stiletto blade, and it had pierced her deeply, lodging itself inside her like an alien presence that, even despite her greatest resistance, began to take her over, day by day. </p><p>When she dared to face it and think about it with all her rationality, she knew what had happened. Shinzon had reached for her when she was at her most vulnerable, wide open and basking in the familiar feel of Will’s mind, and in doing so, he’d turned an act of love into a terror so slick it clung to her every cell.</p><p>She hated him for it.</p><p>But the worst part was that, try as she might, the hate wouldn’t go away. As their months in orbit above Romulus dragged on, it began to eat at her, like an acid, dissolving her connection with Will and making her skin burn whenever he touched her. Sometimes the hate would try to hide itself, throwing on a disguise of anger or irritation – she snapped at more people in those first months aboard the Titan than she’d ever done in her entire career, so much so that she was convinced the majority of the crew thought her to be a truly terrible counsellor and a damned awful person. Shamed, she threw herself into their mission, working late, volunteering for extra time down on the planet, anything to try to keep her mind busy and her focus turned outward. She began to bite her nails, something she’d never done even as a child, developed odd sleeping patterns and lost enough weight to mean that her normally figure-hugging uniforms soon hung off her hips and chest.</p><p>Will watched her carefully, like someone would watch a wild animal that had invaded their home, keeping his distance, until one day the tipping point was reached and she screamed at him in front of the entire Bridge crew. To his credit, Will absorbed her wrath and took none of it personally. Instead, he let her leave then summoned the Titan’s CMO to locate her and make sure she was safe.</p><p>“Deanna,” he said later that evening as they sat together in Doctor Melling’s office. “I’d like you to consider a leave of absence. At the moment, I’m suggesting it as your husband and because I love you so much that you’re worrying me sick, but if you refuse, I’m going to have to bring in the heavies.” He looked at Melling. “The good doctor here is more than happy to make this a medical order if necessary, but I’d rather he didn’t have to do that.” </p><p>Deanna stared at him. Deep down, she’d known she needed help before Will issued his ultimatum, but like so many things that were easy to spot in others, it had taken her far longer to identify them in herself. And then, once she’d identified them, there began the period she saw often in her own patients – the adjustment, the acclimatisation, to the concept of things not being right played out against the denial and determination, and a sense that she could work through this on her own because, after all, she was a therapist and eminently qualified.</p><p>“Will, I’m—”</p><p>“Don’t you dare say that you’re fine, Deanna,” he said, his voice as firm and full of command as it was when he was giving orders on the Bridge. “You are about as far from fine as it is possible to be without being a wreck. You need to get some help.” </p><p>She looked at his blue eyes, suddenly turned to steel with the urgency of his feeling, and finally, slowly, nodded.</p><p>They thrashed out the details there and then. Deanna would take a transport from their next starbase to Betazed and there she’d get some rest and seek out help. The Titan would continue on to its next mission without her and when she was fully rested and recovered, they would return to collect her.</p><p>“I don’t want to leave you,” she told Will the night before she was due to depart. “I need you with me.”</p><p>“I’m flattered,” he replied with a gentle smile as they lay on their sides in bed, facing one another. “And part of me wants to come with you, but I have a job to do here and you need to focus on you for a while. I want you better, Imzadi. I want you free of this burden so we can take that honeymoon we were supposed to take and really enjoy it.”</p><p>It was a thing to look forward to, of course, but it was still gut-wrenching to stand on the transporter pad and watch him disappear as she dematerialised.</p><p>When she arrived on Betazed, it was clear that Will had been in touch with her mother, for Lwaxana was there to greet her at the spaceport, decked out in her finest, but with her face wrought with concern. <em>Deanna, darling,</em> she said, her telepathic voice ringing in Deanna’s head. She swept over and immediately swept Deanna up in an enveloping hug. <em>Why didn’t you tell me what was happening with you? You didn’t have to face this alone!</em></p><p>There was no reply that Deanna could muster to that. She shook her head and looked down; she was unsure why she’d not shared everything that had happened with her mother, but at some point during the immediate aftermath of the battle, she’d grown weary beyond measure of talking about it at all.</p><p>She eased herself out of her mother’s embrace, then straightened and stood back, reasserting her best mental disciplines. Lwaxana peered at her a moment, as if she was trying to evaluate what exactly was going on with her daughter, then pursed her lips and nodded. <em>Let’s go home,</em> she said instead.</p><p>They walked silently out of the spaceport and into a waiting transport shuttle. As the shuttle zipped above Riix’s buildings and monuments, Deanna watched impassively out of the window. She’d thought she’d feel relief at being back home, but the truth was that it had been a long while since she’d felt any kind of positive emotion. Even when they finally touched down in the expansive grounds of the Troi estate, she realised that she felt little but numbness, despite looking at the tall and imposing building that had been her childhood home. The house had been fully restored following the occupation of Betazed by the Dominion forces and Lwaxana had clearly taken great pride in recreating everything that had been destroyed, but to Deanna at that moment, she might have been looking at an anonymous building on an unknown planet.</p><p><em>What do you think?</em> said her mother as she took her hand and helped her out of the shuttle, walking with her up the sweeping driveway. <em>Impressive, isn’t it? I had everything rebuilt from memory.</em></p><p>“It’s very good,” said Deanna, aloud.</p><p>Lwaxana gave her an odd look again, then deigned to communicate aloud herself. “Will said you’d be here for a while and that this was a leave of absence rather than shore leave. He sounded very worried.”</p><p>Deanna nodded. For a few strides, she considered her response. “He understands, as far as he’s able, what I experienced. He’s been very supportive.”</p><p>“Do you want me to get in touch with Ginn Thrax at the hospital?”</p><p>“Ginn is still there? Still practising?” The news was surprising. Ginn had been Deanna’s mentor during her first placement out of the Academy at the Starfleet mental health hospital on Rixx’s north bank – a talented and dedicated psychiatrist, he had become someone she looked up to immensely. But that he was still working was something of a shock. Ginn must have been well into his sixties when Deanna had first met him, nearly twenty years ago now.</p><p>“Oh yes. Still practising. Still teaching. I’m not sure even death will part him from that hospital. Melxana – you remember his wife, don’t you, little one? – says that she thinks he’ll be back haunting the corridors as a ghost.”</p><p>“I’ll think about it,” said Deanna. “I’m just not sure I want to share this with him.”</p><p>They were at the door to the house and Lwaxana pushed it open and strode inside. “Why don’t you go upstairs to your room and I’ll organise us some dinner. You look like you’ve lost such a lot of weight, Deanna… and you hardly had any to lose in the first place. What would you like? An oskoid salad? I have fresh cavat cakes from the farmer’s market too.”</p><p>Deanna stopped at the foot of the stairs. “To be honest, Mother, I don’t really want anything. I just haven’t been feeling hungry lately.”</p><p>“You have to eat something!” exclaimed Lwaxana. “When was the last time you ate?”</p><p>“I had breakfast with Will this morning,” she said, leaving out that all she’d ordered from the replicator had been a plate of melon and she’d not even finished that. Lwaxana regarded her with the eyes of a mother who could see right through the deception and Deanna sighed. “I’ll come down in a little while and make an omelette.”</p><p>“An omelette?” Lwaxana looked appalled. </p><p>“Yes, like Daddy used to make. Will makes them for me too, with cheese and mushrooms.”</p><p>The thought of oozing cheese and fluffy yellow eggs actually made her stomach gurgle and Deanna smiled reassuringly at her mother. “See… I am hungry after all.”</p><p>It took a few days, but gradually, Deanna and her mother established a status quo where, for the most part, Lwaxana left her alone during the day and then they would come together in the evening to share a meal and to talk. Mostly, Lwaxana did the talking and Deanna listened, finding an unexpected form of escape in her mother’s prattle. Every evening, Lwaxana would ask if she’d decided what kind of treatment she was going to seek out, and every evening, Deanna would bat away her mother’s enquiries. The truth was, she wasn’t even sure she <em>knew</em> what she wanted to do. She felt like she was existing in a fog, where rational thought took twice as long to penetrate and decisions were infinitely more complicated than she’d ever thought them to be before.</p><p>Finally, feeling somewhat under pressure, she booked an appointment with a rape psychologist at the hospital, then woke in a panic and cancelled on the morning she was due to go. When Will called her that evening, she lied to him and said the appointment had gone well.</p><p>It was the first time she’d ever lied to him in all the years they’d known one another. And she didn’t even know why she’d done it.</p><p>The next morning, she woke late, still feeling tired from yet another disturbed night. It was fully light and the house was quiet. Perhaps she’d go for a walk today, somewhere where she could get some true solitude. She rose and sat on the edge of the bed staring around the room that had been her childhood bedroom. Much of the decoration was the same, even down to the lace-edged canopy hanging above the bed. It didn’t feel like the bedroom of a grown woman. She was about to climb up on the bed and remove the canopy when the door opened and Lwaxana walked in. <em>Deanna, we need to talk.</em></p><p>“Good morning, Mother,” replied Deanna, deliberately answering back verbally as she prickled at her mother’s bluntness. “What’s the problem?”</p><p>“Well, how about you tell <em>me</em> what the problem is, little one?”</p><p>Deanna’s eyes narrowed. “Well, other than the obvious, I’m not sure what you mean.”</p><p>“You know very well what I mean. You did not go to your appointment yesterday.” Lwaxana put her hands on her hips. “You lied to me, and you lied to Will. I’ve just spoken with him.”</p><p>“How did you—”</p><p>“Find out?” Lwaxana’s lips pursed. “Oh, I have my ways. You were doing such a good job of blocking me last night that it made me suspicious that there was something you were trying to hide. And then I met my old friend Rhi Grhell at the consulate just now. He just happens to be married to the counsellor you were scheduled to see and mentioned to me that you’d missed your appointment because you were suffering with a cold.”</p><p>Deanna looked down. She was forty-two years old and, suddenly, she felt like she was fourteen again. Eventually, she found her voice. “Mother, I don’t know what to say… I wasn’t sure I could cope with the scrutiny.”</p><p>Lwaxana came towards her and placed her hands on her shoulders, her manner more sympathetic now. <em>Deanna, darling, this isn’t going to get better on its own. You need to talk about it with someone.</em></p><p>Deanna stared at her mother, feeling irrationally intense anger building inside her. The last thing she needed was her mother’s interference in all of this. Lwaxana opened her mouth to say something else and Deanna exploded.</p><p>“But I don’t want to! I don’t want to relive it! It was awful.” The sudden rush of rage dissipated and she shook her head, her eyes filling instantly with tears. “I was with Will, we were…” She stumbled on the words. “We were making love and then Shinzon was there! In Will’s place! I looked up and it was his face and he said… He said that Will would never know me like he knew me. That he’d… that he’d always be with me. And he was right, Mother! I can’t get rid of him. When I close my eyes, there he is… I can feel the weight of him, his hands, the <em>smell</em> of him…” She choked on the horror of it all. “When I should be feeling Will in my mind, all I can feel is <em>him</em>. It’s like he’s thrown a huge, heavy blanket over my sense of Will. And, Mother, all I want is to feel my Imzadi again…” Her voice trailed off. </p><p>“Oh Deanna…” Lwaxana swept her up in her arms and Deanna gave up any semblance of control she might have had, sobs racking through her.</p><p>“I want to make him leave my mind, but I’m so afraid he never will. Or if he does, it’ll mean he’ll take Will with him too.” </p><p>“So that’s why you didn’t go to your appointment? Because you were scared that exorcising this, this <em>devil</em> from your mind would mean you’d lose your husband too?”</p><p>Deanna nodded glumly. “I feel Will so keenly, Mother. He’s part of me. Even when we’re not together, he’s there, like a warm, comforting presence in my soul. Shinzon has taken that from me and I feel completely lost… I don’t know what to do.” She stood and began to pace the room. “I’ve tried everything I know how – all the techniques I use on patients with post-traumatic stress. I kept hoping it would get better with time, but it’s not. It’s getting worse. I can’t remember the last night where I didn’t dream of him in some way.”</p><p>Lwaxana stared and Deanna could feel the potent emotional reaction rolling off her mother like a tsunami. “And other people…” she continued. “Even you, Mother. The shock and the horror and revulsion. The <em>pity</em>. It’s overwhelming. I can’t open my mind up to do my damn job without feeling it all coming from every person who looks at me.” She swiped angrily at the tears. “And Will. He’s tried so hard to let me face this in my own time, but when he touches me, physically and in my mind, I can feel the ghost of Shinzon. His breath, his touch, his… his…” Her voice broke irrevocably and she slumped to the floor, sobbing and crying out Will’s name.</p><p>She wasn’t sure exactly what happened over the course of the next few minutes, but she felt the presence of another two people in the room with her, then a press of something into her neck and the slow drawing down of awareness as consciousness slipped away from her.</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>A sound greeted Deanna as she climbed toward wakefulness. It was quiet, like a rushing or a low rumble, almost like white noise, and continuous, neither rising nor falling in pitch or timbre. She drifted for a while, listening; the steadiness was soothing.</p><p>Slowly, her other senses began to come awake too. She was warm, lying down, with something covered over her – a sheet or a light blanket, perhaps. There was a strange, woolly sensation in her mouth. She swallowed to try to counteract it. Her eyes opened a crack; they felt sticky and heavy, like she’d been asleep, and she blinked hard to try to flush some moisture into them. As she did so, she realised that she was in a grey room with walls made from raw, unfinished stone. A large round window was to her right, a sun shape formed from stained glass filling the topmost half of the window. Light streamed in through the glass, yellow and warm.</p><p>“Hello, Deanna,” came a soft, aging voice from somewhere near her feet. She startled and sat up. A slightly built man in floor-length green robes sat perched on a stool at the end of her bed. He was older, perhaps in his seventies, with the tied back long hair worn by Betazoid monks. His face was thin and heavily lined, but his black eyes were steady on her. “I am Brother Otin. Welcome to the Janaran Monastery.”</p><p>Deanna looked around and suddenly realised what the sound she’d woken to was – the sound of the waterfall outside. “Why am I here?”</p><p>“Your mother brought you here. You collapsed at home and she had the good sense to bring you to us. It seems you have suffered a great deal, my child. You are quite broken.”</p><p>Had any other person uttered the words Otin had just said, Deanna would have bristled at their bluntness, but there was something calming about the serenity in his voice.</p><p>“You haven’t answered my question,” she said.</p><p>“Some things never have an answer.”</p><p>She frowned. “That’s a fairly enigmatic response.”</p><p>“It is a truthful one.” His hands were clasped in his lap and he smiled beatifically, looking for all the world like a little gnome sat upon a toadstool. “I have heard the tale of your trauma, Deanna, from your mother, but if we are to begin to put you back together, I will need to hear it from you, word by word, until it has all been said. We may do that aloud or telepathically, all at once or over time, at your choice.” He paused and got to his feet. “But first, I want you to eat and take some light exercise, for a healthy mind begins with a healthy body. Come…”</p><p>Deanna began to get up and realised that she was naked beneath the sheets. “Where are my clothes?”</p><p>“Oh.” Otin sounded surprised. “We spend a good deal of our time here naked, as the Gods intended. But should you wish to cover yourself, there is a tunic in the wardrobe.”</p><p>Hesitating, then deciding that she wasn’t quite ready to expose herself to an entire monastery, Deanna went to the wardrobe and pulled out the single green tunic that was hung inside. She donned it quickly. Otin pushed a pair of leather sandals at her and she slipped her feet inside them. There were no mirrors to judge her appearance, but she combed her fingers through her hair and tucked it behind her ears nonetheless. She had no idea how much time had passed since she’d arrived her.</p><p>Otin gestured towards the door and then walked out. He led Deanna through a series of interconnecting hallways, each apparently carved from the very stone of the valley side. At length, they emerged out onto a wide courtyard with a commanding view of the Janaran Falls. Small round tables with single chairs positioned at them faced the view. Some were occupied – there were monks in the same green robes that Otin wore and others, naked. Everyone was utterly quiet, yet Deanna could not discern any telepathic communication passing between any of them.</p><p>“This is our place of worship,” said Otin in a voice so soft she had to strain to hear it. “We come here twice a day to sit in peaceful contemplation of the beauty of our world. There is no speaking, no telepathic communication, only quiet meditation and calm. We believe that in order for your spirit to heal, it must listen to itself.”</p><p>Deanna nodded. There was something quite compelling about the scene before her. The sound of the waterfall and the peace of the place made her pause.</p><p>“But we are not staying here right now,” continued Otin. “Come, we need to feed you, my child.”            </p><p>He took Deanna back into the monastery to a circular room where a single large table surrounded by about a dozen stools resided. He encouraged her to sit then disappeared, returning a few moments later with a bowl of something that resembled ramen noodles and vegetables, with thin strips of a dark meat and a small blue flower atop. The smell was enticing. “Be sure to eat the flower,” he told her as Deanna picked it off her food, believing it to be decorative. “It contains a natural serotonin booster.”</p><p>Deanna popped the flower into her mouth and swallowed. “Thank you.” She began to eat. “How long will I be here?”</p><p>“As long as is required. Tomorrow, we will begin your recovery programme. Our aim will be to reconnect you with your body and your mind, so that you may come to accept what has been done to you and move forward. We will do that with a carefully constructed timetable of meditation, exercise and massage, alongside talk and socialising. We also encourage sleep, so there will be no alarms and no wake up calls.”</p><p>“What about my husband? Can I speak to him on subspace from here?”</p><p>“Your mother told me that your husband is a starship captain. I’m afraid we do not have the facility to accept subspace video link communications,” said Otin. “We can send and receive text communications however.”</p><p>Deanna’s heart sank. The thought of spending days or maybe even weeks without seeing Will’s face was wrenching. He’d been the thing that had kept her going back on the Titan. “I understand that you and your husband are very close,” Otin continued, “and that you were with him physically, as well as being joined through an imzadi bond, when your assault happened. This will complicate matters, but I feel it will not stop you from making a full recovery in time.”</p><p>“I… I was afraid it might mean I would lose that part of our relationship,” admitted Deanna. “It is one of the things that I have been most fearful of.”</p><p>“You have quite a hill to climb, my child. But your husband’s strength can help you, if he learns to let go of his role in all of this. Once you have begun to show some progress, we will invite your husband to join us here too.” A small smile crossed the monk’s face. “But for now, eat. When you have finished, I recommend a walk around, so you can get to know this place. I will leave you now.”</p><p>Otin did exactly as he said and Deanna was left alone in the empty dining hall. She looked down at the food in front of her. Surprisingly, it still smelled good, so she dug her fork back in and continued to eat.</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It took Deanna nearly a week to establish a reasonably accurate plan of the monastery in her head. She knew from her studies as a child that it had been built over ten thousand years ago and from first impressions, it certainly seemed as if that information was correct. Much of the building appeared to be hewn directly from the rock of the valley side, with the remainder built from large stones of a grey volcanic rock she wasn’t entirely sure was to be found locally. Like a rabbit warren within, it twisted and turned through dozens of hallways, and six floors, with rooms of varying sizes coming off on either side. The monks appeared to have their sleeping cells in the lower levels of the building, while their guests occupied the higher levels.</p><p>Days were calm and followed a clear routine that she quickly became aware of and began to slip into herself. Breakfast, followed by meditation, then group exercise. The monks practised a form of tai chi that was performed in silence. Some of the moves were similar to the mok’bara moves that she’d been taught by Worf back on the Enterprise and she soon found herself able to follow.</p><p>In the afternoon, the monks would go to the gardens and work. Sometimes Deanna would join them, walking amongst the rows of vegetables and fruits they were cultivating, other times picking up a trowel and helping with the planting or weeding. Dinner was a communal affair, where all gathered to talk and eat together, before returning to meditation, then retiring to their cells for the evening.</p><p>On one of her many exploratory walks around the monastery, she found a library filled with ancient books of Betazoid history and mythology and from then on, she would sit and read in her room once the monks had all retired for the night. She kept up writing a personal log, as if she was still on the Titan, documenting her days, and wrote subspace communiques to Will and her mother. Time passed slowly and she began to lose track of how long she had been at the monastery.</p><p>Until one afternoon, when Otin appeared beside her. <em>Hello Deanna</em>, he said in her head. <em>I’m going for a walk outside the monastery down to the Pool of the Moons. Would you like to join me?</em></p><p>Deanna smiled, her mind filling immediately with thoughts of Will and their visits to the falls. <em>The Pool of the Moons? I’d love to.</em> She didn’t explain any further, but Otin returned her smile with a knowing look in his eye.</p><p>
  <em>I sense that you have fond memories of the place. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I do. It is a special place for me and my husband. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then let’s go. Good memories are always welcome.</em>
</p><p>She followed Otin out of the vast wooden doors that marked the main entrance to the monastery and then down the stone stairs that were cut out of the valley side. It was a warm, humid day and as they walked, Deanna felt the moisture in the air like it was a heavy curtain she was pushing her way through. Otin said nothing, allowing the silence between them to sit comfortably as the descended along the path towards the plunge pool and the river below.</p><p>“I used to read some of the stories of El Kiyi Var when I was little,” she admitted after a while. “In truth, I was rather charmed by them.”</p><p>Otin cast a look at her over his shoulder. “There are more than the average Betazoid is aware of. I presume you have discovered our library? There are a great many texts in there that document the lesser known tales.”</p><p>“Did he really build the monastery?”</p><p>“Nobody really knows. The timeline is approximately correct, but there are no remaining records of the monastery’s construction.” Otin paused. “But I suspect if he did build it, he didn’t build it alone, as the stories suggest.”</p><p>“Do you believe in the stories, Otin?”</p><p>Otin came to a stop and Deanna realised that they were at the end of the trail and the Pool of the Moons was to their right, looking as beautiful and clear as it did in all her memories. Avoiding the wooden bridge that spanned the pool, he padded down to the stony shoreline and lowered himself onto a large boulder, bringing his feet up so his chin could rest on his knees. He took a deep breath and turned to watch the waterfall as it crashed into the pool, throwing up great clouds of spray and mist into the air. “Do I believe in El Kiyi Var?” he mused. “The man existed. Of that much we are certain. But the stories? Did he play a golden horn? Did he tempt lovers into the forest so he could bless them? I do not know. I suppose, if one looks at the stories with a logical, scientific eye, they seem fantastical, but if one instead considers metaphor and analogy, then it is very possible that they carry a degree of truth.” He paused and picked up a pebble from the ground, turning it over between his fingers. “I believe that is how I look on the tales. El Kiyi Var was thought to be the first monk. Perhaps he persuaded people to come and join him when he set up the monastery and perhaps that is the reality behind the stories of tempting lovers into the forest.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Deanna. “I suppose that makes sense.” She went to the edge of the pool and looked out across the water. “I think I prefer the stories though.”</p><p>“That is the beauty of stories, Deanna. And the glory of the mind.” He smiled at her. “You said this place is special for you…”</p><p>“Yes… I…” She felt a flutter of something deep in her belly, as if her stomach had turned upside down. She recognised it. It was the same feeling Will could conjure in her when he turned his gaze on her with desire and intent. “This is where I became imzadi with Will,” she said softly.</p><p>Otin said nothing, allowing her space to continue.</p><p>“We have returned here many times since then… It has good memories, mostly, some a little tainted perhaps. Many years ago, he asked me to marry him here and I refused. Then he brought me back here just last year and asked me again and this time I said yes.” She smiled at the memory. “He said he wanted to rewrite the moment so we could come back here and have positive feelings about it again.”</p><p>“That is a good philosophy to have,” said Otin. “Have you both bathed in the pool?”</p><p>Deanna smiled a little self-consciously. “Of course. I’ve read the stories. And I believed in them enough to have a fanciful wish to be blessed with El Kiyi Var’s love music.”</p><p>“Would you consider yourself blessed?”</p><p>That question gave Deanna pause. She frowned and looked down at her feet. What had happened to her had been terrifying and a violation of her mind and soul, but, she slowly realised, it did not define her relationship with Will, nor did it change her love for him. “I do…”</p><p>Otin nodded. “Because?”</p><p>“Because I have found my soul mate.”</p><p>Her head filled with thoughts of Will, glowing, joyful thoughts, and a surge of memories of their life together, the promises they’d made to each other on their wedding day and her mind reached out without her encouraging it to do so, wanting to embrace him from within like they did when they made love in their minds. Slowly, without Will’s presence to respond to her, the sensation ebbed away and she was left standing on the shoreline with the growing realisation that, for the first time since Shinzon forced himself into her head, she’d felt the essence of imzadi again.</p><p>“Congratulations, Deanna,” said Otin warmly after a moment. “You are healing. I think perhaps I will leave you now and let you swim in the pool.”</p><p>He slipped off the boulder he’d been sitting on and straightened out his green robes. “Be blessed, my child,” he said and retreated back along the path up to the monastery.</p><p>For a long while, Deanna stood stock still on the edge of the pool, staring out across the water and feeling like a candle had been lit in the darkness that had shrouded her. Shedding her tunic, she raised her hands into the air and stretched her body out, allowing the gentle mist of moisture coming from the waterfall to settle on her naked skin. Her nipples pearled at the touch of coolness and she took a deep breath in, walking into the water with her hands still held high. The water eddied around her in swirls, creating patterns that caught the light.</p><p>Once she was chest high, she pushed off from the bottom and swam out into the centre of the pool, then turned so she could look back at where she had come from, feeling buoyant in more ways than one. Swimming had always given her a sense of freedom, like she was able to fly or soar without the feel of gravity pulling her down. Quite unexpectedly, a laugh bubbled up and she threw her head back and relaxed into floating, letting her body go weightless. Above her, the waterfall’s dense roar filled her ears, blocking out the sound of absolutely everything else except her own thoughts and the beating of her heart in her chest.</p><p>The sense of being alone, safe and content made her sink into memories. She thought of the time she came here as a child, with her father, and they spent all day splashing in and out of the river, then later when she’d brought Will here. She thought of his straight-laced reluctance to skinny dip with her, the way he’d baulked at the thought of being caught and reported to his superiors. He’d been so worried back then about projecting the right impression, his confidence and good-natured swagger mostly a thin veneer he’d installed above a desperate need to prove his father wrong.</p><p>They were good for each other, she thought. Back then and now. A delicate balance of contrast and similarity, as Beverley had once told her; they just fit together. She thought of Shinzon then and how he’d insinuated himself between them, drawing them infinitesimally apart. With a start, she suddenly realised that the rage that normally surfaced when she thought of him was absent. Instead, she was suffused with a desire to draw Will close again, to squeeze out every last oily residue of Shinzon’s presence.</p><p>Was this progress? It felt like it was. She looked around and saw the rise of the bank that led to the little glade where she and Will had first forged their bond. Climbing out of the water, she walked through the trees to where the light was dappled and the ground was soft with moss. It was just as she remembered. She closed her eyes and imagined she could still feel the prickle of the grasses against her bare skin and the pulse of his mind as it reached instinctively for hers, like magnetism.</p><p>There was too much distance between them for her to get a real sense of him, but the resonance of him in her soul was still there, no longer dimmed by the malevolence of her violation. She reached for it now with both hands and brought it closer to her, as the waterfall provided a musical counterpoint.</p><p> </p><p>To be concluded...</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I feel like I'm posting in a dead fandom at the moment... :( Where has everyone gone???</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two</p><p> </p><p>Reach, stretch, bend… Deanna’s arms formed the slow, steady movements of the monks’ exercises, her bare feet braced on the stone floor, her knees slightly bent and her breathing composed and deep. She could do these exercises with her eyes closed now, so accustomed had she become to following their patterns, and sometimes, as today, she did just that, using her body’s awareness of itself to lead her into each new movement.</p><p>It was a cooler day than usual, the sky pink with clouds. A gentle breeze rolled up the valley, amplifying the sound of the waterfall above its normal pitch. Yet it was still warm enough to go naked and Deanna had shed her clothes before she’d begun her exercises, wanting to feel the breeze against her skin.  She’d found as her time at the monastery had passed that occasionally removing the green tunic provided a kind of freedom she’d grown to value, a way to allow her mind to fully focus on whatever task she wanted it to complete. And today was no different.</p><p>But so engrossed was she in her movements that she did not notice the sound of footsteps from behind her as a figure arrived in the monastery’s wide courtyard. The figure kept quiet and leaned against one of the stone columns that supported the archways, watching.</p><p>As she concluded her exercises, she stretched upwards as if she could reach the sky, then relaxed her body and opened her eyes, standing loose-limbed before the vista of the waterfall. “Well, that was a sight to behold,” said a familiar voice from behind her and she spun quickly, joy exploding in her.</p><p>“Will!” she cried and ran to him, throwing herself into his arms. He embraced her tightly, burying his face in her hair and breathing in deep.</p><p>“Oh, it’s good to see you again,” he murmured, then pulled away, his eyes sliding down her naked form. “All of you.”</p><p>She blushed and pressed herself against him, smiling widely. “I’ve missed you,” she said. He leaned down and kissed her, lingering a moment longer than he would for one of their regular kisses of greeting.</p><p>“I’ve missed you too. So much.”</p><p>They stayed that way for a few minutes, just holding each other, until she stepped back and said, “Let me get some clothes on.”</p><p>He grinned. “You don’t have to on my behalf.”</p><p>Deanna tossed him an amused smile over her shoulder as she walked to where she’d left her tunic, hung over the back of a chair. She slipped it over her head and then returned to stand in front of him. He reached out and ran his hand through her hair, which was loose around her shoulders, sliding his fingers down to cup her cheek. “You look… beautiful, Deanna. You’re glowing.” He smiled. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“I feel…” She paused a moment, considering how she should put into words to the change that had come over her in these months at the monastery. “I feel like there’s a future again.”</p><p>Will’s smile broadened. “That is so good to hear.”</p><p>“Come on,” she said, taking his hand. “I want to introduce you to some people. Show you around.”</p><p>She took him on an unhurried tour of the monastery, pausing periodically to talk to people, explaining what happened in each space and summarising parts of the building’s history that she’d learned in her reading. Will, in his usual manner when studying something new, took it all in quietly and thoughtfully, with a trace of wonder in his features at the soaring ceilings or how parts of the monastery had been literally carved out of the rock. Eventually, they ventured outside and into the gardens, where Deanna made a bee-line for Otin, who was kneeling amongst a row of root vegetables.</p><p>“Otin,” she greeted, “there’s someone here I’d like you to meet.” Otin looked up and got to his feet, his thin face splitting in a generous smile. “Will Riker, this is Otin, brother of the Janaran monastery. Otin… Captain Will Riker, my husband.”</p><p>Will held out his hand and Otin dusted his own down on his robes, then took it warmly between both of his. “Greetings, Captain Riker, it is a great pleasure to meet you finally. I have heard much about you.”</p><p>“Really?” Will cast her a curious look. “All of it good, I hope?”</p><p>“Oh, absolutely.” He released Will’s hand. “I’m glad that you have joined us finally. How long are you able to stay?”</p><p>“The Titan is in orbit above Betazed for shore leave, Brother Otin,” explained Will. “We have no clear schedule but we’re certainly going to be here for a couple of weeks at least. My crew is well overdue for a rest.”</p><p>“Indeed. It must be a busy life aboard a starship.”</p><p>“It can be.” Will turned and cast his eyes about the meticulously organised garden, with its precise rows of vegetables and fruit bushes. “It is beautiful here.”</p><p>“It is our role to protect that beauty,” explained Otin, following Will’s gaze. “We seek to prove that it is possible for people to live alongside nature in an entirely balanced relationship. What we take from nature, we give back.” He paused and turned back to Will. “Would you like to stay with us, Captain, as our guest?”</p><p>Will glanced at Deanna, seeking her opinion. When she nodded, he replied, “Yes, yes I would.”</p><p>“We have many guests who come to stay with us, some for reasons like Deanna, others for no reason other than to reconnect with themselves after a spell of change in their lives. Would you like to stay with Deanna, in her room?”</p><p>“If that is acceptable?”</p><p>“Of course it is. I shall have the room prepared for you both.”</p><p>And with that, Otin took his leave of them. “He seemed nice,” said Will after the monk had disappeared from sight. “Has he been the one working with you?”</p><p>“A little. Though I’m not sure how much counselling has really happened here. Most of it has been just this place.” She made an encompassing gesture with her hands. “There’s something about it, Will. I’ve never experienced peace like this before.”</p><p>“And you feel like it’s helped?”</p><p>“Yes…” She took his hands and looked up at him. “I can’t really say what exactly has helped, but I feel stronger. More in touch with myself. I no longer feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff waiting to be pushed over.” She paused, thinking. “It’s still there, but before it felt like it was all over me, stuck to me. I couldn’t escape it. Now… now it’s like a shadow. There are times when I feel it, but it has no more substance than the memory it is.”</p><p>“You look so much better than you did. I was so worried, Deanna. I’m sorry I forced you into this, but I—”</p><p>She cut him off. “You did what you needed to do, Will. I was too lost to be able to do it myself, but you recognised that and did it for me.” Standing on her tip toes, she kissed him, smiling against his lips as she felt the gentle familiarity of his mouth. “Thank you.”</p><p>He smiled back, then crushed her into his embrace.</p><p>That evening, they dined with the monks in the hall, then retired to her room. Will wandered around its perimeter, peering into the wardrobe and into the small bathroom. “It’s simple, but comfortable,” she said as she watched him.</p><p>“I wasn’t expecting a first class hotel.”</p><p>She smiled. “The bed is good.”</p><p>He turned and arched an eyebrow at her, a grin fighting at the corners of his mouth. She hesitated, then moved towards the bed, whereupon she sat on the edge and locked eyes with him. A little shiver passed through her, a strange cocktail of longing and anxiety rising up. He came and stood in front of her. “Deanna,” he said and placed his hands on her shoulders. She could feel the conflict in his emotions. He wanted her, desperately, powerfully, but in counterpoint, she felt his strong reluctance to push her. He did not want to hurry her or to see her try to do something before she was ready just because he desired it.</p><p>“I wish this was easy,” she murmured after a moment, then admitted, “I’m nervous.”</p><p>He nodded and met her honesty with his own. “I am too… kind of… It’s been a long time.”</p><p>Chuffing, Deanna wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his stomach. “We make a pair, don’t we?” she said softly. She felt him sigh.</p><p>“Come here… Lie down with me. Let’s take things slowly.”</p><p>Slowly, he eased himself down onto the bed and then scooted over so she could lie next to him. She did, lying on her side so she could face him and look into his eyes. For a long moment, they remained still, not touching, just studying each other. Will’s eyes were soft and tender and she let her gaze roam over him, the arc of his forehead, the line where his beard met the smooth skin of his cheekbone, the flick of his lashes as he blinked. She remembered him from when she first met him, and compared him to now. There was grey in his beard these days and above his ears, lines patterning around the skin of his eyes and his mouth. But what others might dismiss as the signs of him growing old were to her quite precious.</p><p>He was hers.</p><p>With a steadying intake of breath, she reached out for his mind. Will was tentative, but he knew instantly what she was doing. His brows drew together and she could feel him concentrating. Being human, it was not reflexive to feel her presence, and it required conscious effort and intent, but it told her all she needed to know that he did it nonetheless. <em>Imzadi… </em>she thought and his eyes sprang open as she sounded clear in his head for the first time in months. He smiled, joyfully, thankfully.</p><p>
  <em>I feel you, Deanna… God, you’re back…</em>
</p><p>And suddenly, there were tears in both of their eyes and, in sheer relief, they embraced one another.</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“DP did what?” Deanna laughed as Will recounted the story of how, during their last mission, the Titan’s ebullient second officer had eaten a plateful of Ferengi bugs in order to impress a Daimon they were hoping to secure covert information from.</p><p>“The whole plate,” said Will. “One after the other. Just popped the things in and carried on talking like he was eating raisins.”</p><p>“You’ve never been the squeamish sort, Will,” observed Deanna as she watched him wrinkle his nose at the idea. “You eat gagh and all sorts.”</p><p>“I know… but… <em>bugs</em>…” He made a face. “Maybe my tolerance has decreased over the years, but that turned my stomach.”</p><p>“Shh,” she said as she swallowed her laugh and indicated that they were arriving in the courtyard where the monks gathered for their worship. Several were already present, some clothed, others not, some sitting at the tables facing the view and others simply standing still like statues. “We need to be quiet here.”</p><p>“You really want me to do this?” he whispered, leaning into her.</p><p>She tilted her head and regarded him. “You don’t have to do it. But it is incredibly calming.”</p><p>“All right,” he agreed. “I’ll try it.”</p><p>They’d been together at the monastery now for five days and Will had shown himself to be the open-minded soul she’d always known him to be. He’d joined her in the exercise classes, walked with her in the gardens and chosen books from the library; they’d talked, shared dinner and breakfast together and for the first time in over a year, simply enjoyed one another’s company. No deadlines, no comm calls, no interruptions. It was almost a honeymoon in itself. Yet when Will had raised the question of whether it was acceptable for Deanna to leave, Otin had seemed reluctant, asking quietly that they give it just a few more days.</p><p>“Do I have to get naked?” hissed Will, a hint of hesitancy in his tone. Deanna glanced up at him amusedly. He was looking around at the monks, fidgeting with the collar of his shirt.  </p><p>“Your choice, Imzadi. No-one will judge either way.”</p><p>She reached up and pulled her tunic over her head, then folded it neatly and laid it on the stone floor. As she set herself up at one of the tables, she heard him sigh and then the rustle of his clothes as he removed them. She smiled to herself. He’d been a Starfleet officer too long to be truly fazed by this kind of thing. Glancing across at him, she saw that he’d settled himself at the table to next to her. “Do I close my eyes or what?” he asked.</p><p>“Again, your choice. Watch the view or look into yourself – it doesn’t matter. Remember the breathing exercises I told you about? Focus on those and then let yourself relax.”</p><p>“Okay,” he said. “And how long do we do this for?”</p><p>“Until you become one with the world around you.”</p><p>“Deanna…” he chastised lightly. “I don’t even know what that means.”</p><p>She smiled at him. “Until you feel totally calm and at ease.”</p><p>With a nod, he drew in a breath and gamely closed his eyes. She watched him a moment, then returned her focus to herself, slowing down her breathing and looking out towards the waterfall. She let the sound soothe her, as she focused on the distinct layers of it – the deep, constant roar and the higher-pitched hiss and susurrus, each a part of the bigger sound. Gradually, she felt her body becoming almost heavy with relaxation and she fixed her gaze on the plumes of moisture rising up into the air, on the colours of the rainbow that were reflected in the vapour.</p><p>She luxuriated in the sensation of inner peace for an indeterminate time, then slowly began to bring herself back. She took a long, deep breath then looked to her right. Will was still sitting beside her, his eyes closed, back straight and the breeze licking at his hair. His face was completely slack, almost as if he were asleep, but she could tell by the tenor of his thoughts that he was not, and instead he was thinking of something that was very pleasant indeed. Something that was making him quite joyful.</p><p>She watched him quietly for a long few minutes, then he seemed to realise that she was doing so and he opened his eyes and turned to her. “Hey,” he said softly.</p><p>“Hey. How was that?”</p><p>“It was… actually kind of enjoyable.”</p><p>“See… I said it was worth its while.” She stood and stretched, then picked up her tunic and pulled it back over her head. He grabbed up his own clothes, then paused. He turned to her.</p><p>“Do you know something? I can’t remember the last time I let my thoughts just wander like that. It was… revealing.”</p><p>“It can be. What were you thinking of?”</p><p>He smiled and she felt the surge of something inside him – the same sense of joy, but this time peppered with a touch of uncertainty and reluctance to share. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” she said.</p><p>With a shake of his head, he replied, “No, it’s not that. I just… I’ll tell you later.” He looked around at the remaining monks, some of whom were still engaged in their meditation. “When we don’t have company.”           </p><p>The rest of the day passed as it usually did. Will took a nap in the afternoon, catching up on the sleep debt he always accrued while working and Deanna nestled in the chair at the foot of the bed, reading. It was late afternoon when he finally stirred and opened his eyes to look at her. “Still here?” he said in a voice slightly croaky with sleep.</p><p>“I’ve been reading.”</p><p>She held up the book for him to notice the front cover. “<em>Lost Tales of El Kiyi Var and the Janaran Monastery</em>,’ read Will. “That guy again. He’s the one with the horn and the penchant for luring unsuspecting couples into the forest, isn’t he?” His tone was teasing and she rolled her eyes at his light-hearted sarcasm.</p><p>“Well, when you put it like that, he sounds like a bit of a deviant.”</p><p>Will chuckled. “He’s the real deal then? He actually existed?”</p><p>“Oh certainly. There are records of his birth and death right here in the monastery. He was 84 years old when he died, which was quite an age all those thousands of years ago.”</p><p>“I bet. So what else have you learnt about him? Because I know that’s not the first book you’ve read about him while you’ve been here.”</p><p>A vaguely self-conscious blush coloured her cheeks and she flicked absently through the pages she’d already read. “There are hundreds of stories about him. Back then, Betazed was a monarchy. One of the stories tells how El Kiyi Var gifted a rare white Lalda bird to Queen Yerxa III when she married her husband.”</p><p>“Lalda birds are pink, aren’t they? With white chests?”</p><p>“Yes. But white ones are born from time to time, although they usually die young due to being easier to spot by predators. Anyway, in the story, El Kiyi Var fell in love with Queen Yerxa, but she was promised to another. So he sent her a white Lalda bird every year of her marriage to remind her of his love for her.”</p><p>“That’s a little creepy, wouldn’t you say?” Will laughed.</p><p>“It’s romantic!” Deanna chuffed.</p><p>“Whatever you say, Deanna. I’m not sure you’d think it was romantic if Worf started sending you gifts on our wedding anniversary.” He sat up just as she threw the book at him. “Oof!” he gasped as it hit him squarely on the chest and sent him sinking backwards onto the bed. “Easy now. I’m sure this counsellor I know would say that violence never solved anything.”</p><p>Deanna got to her feet and stalked over to him. Their eyes met and the atmosphere between them shifted from playful teasing to something much more loaded. Deanna picked up the book and set it on one side, then placed her hands on his chest and straddled him, never letting her eyes move from his. “Deanna…” he said and his voice was suddenly thick with desire.</p><p>She leaned over, smiling, and pressed her mouth against his. He responded immediately. She eased herself down so she was lying on top of him, an exact mirror of how they’d been when Shinzon had attacked her. The thought made her emotions stutter, but then Will’s arms came up and around her and he deepened their kiss, sliding his tongue into her mouth. With a sigh, Deanna felt a thrum of excitement pass through her. Were they going to do this? She could feel his erection through the material of her tunic and knew he was deeply aroused already. His mind flickered in her direction and she responded, opening up to him. He poured in through their connection and she gave a little gasp. Gods it felt good…</p><p>Then, quite swept away with need, Will rolled her onto her back and, instantly, she froze. Her hands stilled on his back, but it took a moment before her alarm penetrated the haze of his desire, and in that moment, Deanna began to panic. She saw another then, large as life, hovering over her, his eyes dead and flat, his face expressionless. “Will!” she cried. “Will, no! Get off me! Stop!”</p><p>At her words, Will almost leapt away from her, as if she was ablaze. “Agh, Deanna… What’s the matter?” He looked at her, horrified, his face paling right before her eyes.</p><p>She scrambled up the bed and pushed back against the headboard, hugging her legs and shaking wildly. “Gods, Will… I… I’m so sorry!” She covered her face with her hands and began to cry.</p><p>Slowly, he approached her, like he was approaching a frightened animal that might at any moment take flight, and came to sit on the edge of the bed just an arm’s length away. “You had a flashback,” he said simply.         </p><p>Her head hurt. She swallowed hard and tried to slow her breathing again, concentrating on the deep in and out motion of her lungs. She knew what this was; it was going to pass.</p><p>It was going to pass.</p><p>Gradually, she felt her panic subsiding and she was able to open her eyes and look at him again. “Will…” she said and held out her hand to him. With a touch of uncertainty, he took her hand in his and squeezed gently.</p><p>“I shouldn’t have pushed. I got carried away.” He paused. “It was when I moved on top of you, wasn’t it? That was the trigger. Because that’s the position we were in when…” His voice trailed off and she nodded hopelessly and swiped at the tears on her cheeks. He closed his eyes; she had never seen him look quite so defeated. A moment passed where both of them felt utterly miserable, then Will sighed. “This is why Otin wanted you to stay a little longer. With me. He was concerned that you hadn’t really been tested.”</p><p>Deanna nodded. “I think so… Oh, Will, I’m sorry… I feel awful…” She hid her face again. “I so wanted you,” she mumbled in her hands. They were still shaking slightly and she clasped them together and squeezed hard.</p><p>“It’s all right, Deanna. Don’t feel bad… and please don’t apologise. I understand. It’s going to be a long, tough road and we just got a bit carried away. I’ve just missed you so much.”</p><p>“I know you have. And I have too.” She sighed deeply. “Come here, Imzadi.”</p><p>She crawled towards him and he pulled her into his arms, enveloping her fragility. She’d always felt safe with him and right now was no exception. The ghost of Shinzon had vanished once again and it was just her and Will, holding each other. “I love you,” he murmured into her hair. “Take all the time you need.”</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Deanna shared the flashback with Otin and he nodded his head kindly, then explained that she had to take a step back from intimacy. “You must assert your independence from each other for a while,” he said. “Take some time to move forward without feeling the need to be intimate. Your physical attraction will still be there.”</p><p>When she told Will this, he made a valiant but unsuccessful effort to hide his disappointment, but reassured her that he would respect her need for distance. And so they came to spend time apart. Will took to disappearing from the monastery in the mornings on long walks through the forest. Sometimes, Deanna went on her own walks, other times she stayed behind and meditated. In the afternoons, he napped and she went to the library to read. When they finally came back together in the evenings, they were eager for one another’s company and full of conversation.</p><p>It was on one such evening, nearly a week later, when Will suggested that they go for a walk after supper. The sun was fading on what had been a hot and humid day and a cooler breeze had picked up, shifting the air about and giving welcome relief. They headed out of the monastery and, without discussion, took each other’s hands and began to descend the winding pathway that led down to the Pool of the Moons. They talked of nothing and everything as they walked, eventually turning to the past.</p><p>“This weather makes me think of the night before you left for the Potemkin,” she told him. “Remember how hot it was?”</p><p>“It was too hot then and it’s too hot now,” Will complained. He’d showered before dinner, but already she could see that he was growing uncomfortable again. “When we get down there, I’m definitely going in.” He flashed her a grin. “Lost all my inhibitions in my old age, eh?”</p><p>“It’s too much time spent with a Betazoid.”</p><p>“Maybe,” he allowed. “You get naked in Alaska and your extremities turn black.”</p><p>She laughed. The path arrived at the bridge that spanned the plunge pool and Will strode up onto it, his boots echoing on the wood. He leaned over the railing and peered down into the water below, then shouted, “Come on up, Deanna. It’s just as beautiful as always!”</p><p>She followed him up and came to stand next to him, whereupon he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and tugged her in close to him. “You know,” he said after a moment’s companionable silence, “I realised I never got around to telling you what I was thinking of during my meditation.”</p><p>“No, you didn’t.”</p><p>“Do you want to know?”</p><p>She looked up at him and saw a curious expression on his face – a small, expectant smile. It intrigued her. She was well versed in Will Riker’s emotions and right now, he was poised with nervous excitement. “Of course,” she said.</p><p>Turning back to lean on the railing again and look across the Pool of the Moons, he nodded his head and replied, softly, “I was thinking of what you would look like with a baby inside you.” He tilted his head to look at her. “My baby.”</p><p>His answer stunned her to silence. She’d been expecting something faintly ribald, some fantasy he’d given life to in his brain, not a baby. Their baby.</p><p>He huffed. “I feel like I’m reliving a moment from the past right now, where I said something unexpected and you went silent as a tomb,” he muttered, only half joking. “Say something, Deanna.”</p><p>“I…” Her mouth moved but no sound came out. “I… I don’t know what to say.”</p><p>“Ah, then don’t say anything,” he suggested readily. His face was open, well-schooled in poker fashion, but she could tell he was disappointed by her reaction. “It was just an idle wandering of the mind.”</p><p>“Oh, no it wasn’t, Imzadi. You wanted to share your thoughts with me. Just as you want to see the image in your thoughts for real. And you hoped I would want the same thing that you do.”</p><p>“This is what I get for marrying an empath, isn’t it?” he said with a chuff.</p><p>She shrugged. “I read you better than I read most people, Will.”</p><p>“Then what do you think?” He studied her carefully for a moment. “Is it something you’ve thought of too?”</p><p>Deanna paused and considered. She’d be lying if she said that she’d never wondered what it would be like to be a mother, although the thought scared her almost as much as anything she’d ever faced in her life. “My mother would be insufferable,” she said after a moment. Will grinned.</p><p>“Your mother would be in her element. She’d be so obsessed with the kid, she’d leave us both alone for the first time in our lives. And we’d never have to worry about finding a babysitter; she’d fly half way across the quadrant to oblige us.”</p><p>“Now you’re really trying hard to persuade me, Will…”</p><p>He shook his head and sobered, facing her. “Listen, Deanna, I don’t want to push. It’s something that we have to both be ready for, and I will understand absolutely if you don’t want to. But I had to share it with you because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. When I was on my own on the Titan while you were down here, I had a lot of time to think about things and my thoughts kept coming back to the thought of you with a great big belly…” He wrapped his arms around her and his voice grew wistful. “With my son or daughter inside you.” He sighed. “I’ve never wanted this before, Imzadi. I’ve never even considered it. But something’s changed inside me since that bastard took a bite out of our happiness and chewed it up and spat it out. It took me a long time to really understand it, but I get it now. I want a little piece of you and me in the universe – something else that we can do that is good and right, to stand against the darkness.” He stopped and drew in a deep breath, then smiled at her with so much hope radiating from him that she could feel herself growing hopeful too. It was an emotion she’d not felt in such a long time that it felt almost alien.</p><p>Deanna felt her eyes prickle and fill with tears. “Oh, Will…” She pressed her face against his chest and held him fiercely.                </p><p>“So what do you say? Can we try some day? Not now, if you don’t want, but some day?”</p><p>She looked up at him, then took his hands in hers. “You really want to make a baby with me, Will Riker?”</p><p>His face was still and serious. “I do.”</p><p>“Even after everything that’s happened?”</p><p>“Especially after everything that’s happened. If we can wade our way through all this, a baby ought to be a piece of cake.” He grinned.</p><p>“I’ll remind you of that when we’re being kept awake all night…”</p><p>“So that’s a yes?” he asked.</p><p>She let the moment hang a minute.</p><p>“It’s a yes.”</p><p>He took her face in his hands and kissed her and she felt a surge of almost overwhelming love rush out of him towards her. “Imzadi,” he whispered and she felt the word back to him.</p><p>
  <em>Imzadi…</em>
</p><p>He kissed her again. <em>Come swim with me.</em></p><p>She took him by the hand and led him away from the bridge and down to the bank. She lifted her tunic above her head and watched with delight as his eyes filled with her. She undressed him then too, casting their clothes into a haphazard pile on the grass, and led him into the water, never taking her eyes from his.</p><p>The sun was low in the sky now, a huge ball of reddish-orange that was turning the clouds on the horizon the colour of a pomegranate split open. “Gods, Will, look,” she said in amazement and pointed up above them.</p><p>There in the deep purple of the gathering night, all three moons shone down on them. “I guess that means it’s fate,” he said as he smiled at her and the stars glittered in his eyes.</p><p>“Looks like it.”</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>She had never been with someone so patient, so meticulous as William T. Riker. Her body felt like it had been roused one nerve ending at a time, until her blood was humming. It was not like sex at all, she realised. It was more like healing, mending… She straddled him and he pushed inside her, so deep in that instant that it was like he was fused inside her. She reached out and placed one hand on his chest, above his heart, and the other drifted to the place where they were joined, where he disappeared into her, as if making certain that this was indeed happening. He watched her and his eyes were darker than ink but there could be no hiding the wonder behind them – if she lived to be a hundred years old, she would not forget his expression. The line of congress was open between them, already thrumming with their blended emotions, and she sank into it so that they were joined in every way possible.</p><p>There was a sensation of time having frozen for just a moment as they communed with each other and her body adapted to the forgotten feel of him within her. It took an effort on both of their parts to regain the momentum again. His hands slipped onto her hips, helping her to move with him, holding her with the easy confidence that characterised him as a lover and a man. She arched her back and lost herself in the motion, sinking, sinking, but this time she knew exactly who she was with and what they were doing – she was grounded in him.</p><p>The movement between them kept on, and she felt the pain and horror of the last year disappearing away from her, like a shadow she was chasing away with her own light. There was a time when she’d thought she’d never get to this point, that there was no force in the galaxy that could drive away Shinzon’s ghost, but she realised in that moment that he was gone and what she had left was what she’d always had – this man who loved her so much he would do anything for her. She bent to kiss him then and felt the circuit close between them. She fancied that if someone were watching them, they would be aglow, their mutual relief and joy too huge, too celebratory to be contained within them.</p><p>
  <em>Imzadi… </em>
</p><p>His voice echoed in her head and she felt him wrap his arms around her and roll her gently so she was on her back and he was above her. There was no fear in her, and all she felt was the embrace of his body. It was revelatory and she cried out.</p><p>Her cry stirred him on and he picked up the pace, pushing into her now with greater abandon. She opened her eyes and looked at him and saw the tiny grimace of growing pleasure on his face and it freed her to seek her own. Lifting her hips up, she ground into him and then felt the rush of sensation as she exploded out of her herself. So welcome was the release that it felt for a moment like she was hovering, looking down on him as he too let himself go. With a soft groan, he came in a bright hot pulse that she felt both inside her body and in her head, an explosion of light in the dark Betazed night.  </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>A little over three months later, while the Titan senior officers were sitting at the table in the Observation Lounge, planning the strategy for dealing with an asteroid that had caused massive atmospheric contamination on the planet Lokonia, Deanna suddenly became aware of something she’d only ever felt once before, many, many years ago, in the middle of the night, quite unexpectedly. Then, she’d had to visit sickbay to confirm what she had suspected, so unbelievable was it, but now, she had no doubt and no reason to question it.</p><p>The sensation was small, barely enough to register as significant to her empathy, but as with the emotions of the man sitting immediately to her left, it was as clear and comprehensible as her own mind. She knew exactly what it was. For a moment, the voices of the people around the table drifted away as she concentrated on the feeling.</p><p>She looked down at her abdomen and a small smile bloomed on her face. <em>Well, hello, little one… </em></p><p>Beside her, Will flicked his eyes toward her, suddenly aware that something had changed in her manner. He narrowed an eye and studied her.</p><p><em>Imzadi…</em> he asked, in her head. <em>Is everything all right?</em></p><p>She looked up and met his concerned gaze, then opened up her mind to him and smiled broadly.</p><p>
  <em>Everything’s fine, Will. Everything is just fine. </em>
</p><p>He tilted his head in askance of her, then his own smile spread too.  </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I said that there would be three stories in this series, but now I'm thinking there might be four... </p><p>Thanks for all the positive feedback. I am a feedback whore, so I love it when people drop me a line.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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